I ended off the year 2020 with a 60km hike in complete solitude on New Year’s Eve. Never would I have thought that just two weeks later, I’d find myself on another 60km walk. But this time, with four other companions in tow.
Why I hiked another 60km not alone
I’d often recount afterwards that it was “the best night of my life” (Jan 13 & 14). We started at 5pm from NTU (at the extreme West of Singapore), and—overnight—‘trekked’ our way to Jewel Changi Airport (on the very East). At 7am five of us were huddled at Toast Box in Jewel, barely able to keep our eyes open as we tuned in to a short Zoom briefing from our iPads and phones (it was still a weekday, mind you—though thankfully we had no classes that day).
This was a thousand times more enjoyable than my solo hike. First of all, the night views around Marina Bay were stunning. It was also my first time at the famed Jewel waterfall. But really, it wasn’t about any of that. It was the company. The people made the walk phenomenal.
I used to think that I’d like to go solo travelling someday. That all changed after these two 60km walks. The complete contrast! When I was walking alone, as the day dragged on, I can tell you there were times of pure monotony. Walking with my friends, on the other hand, I was so high-spirited right till the very end.
It made me immensely grateful for the people around me. It made me realise that genuine connections matter. And that connection doesn’t just happen—often time spent with people is irreplaceable.
In the weeks leading up to my final exam, I’d go to my parents’ room every night (from Apr 21). It should have been the busiest time for me, immersed in exam preparation and all, but I wanted to make the time. I deeply cherished the moments of us just sitting together, every night, talking and simply enjoying one another’s company.
“I don’t have time” is a lie
I’ve also stopped saying “I don’t have time”. Because we always have time. Everyone has the same 24 hours in a day. It’s simply what we choose to prioritise in that moment or at a particular point in our lives.
I know that in the second half of this year, I prioritised my schoolwork, including both academics and school-related projects. Which, in a way, was driven by circumstance (including taking up several commitments)—but also a choice. Because we always have a choice.
Once, I was worried about not being prepared for a particular lesson (aka TBL, which is the main way we learn and something I really enjoy). Then I vividly recalled a scene in the first semester of Year 1: falling asleep in the car as my mum drove me to Hall on Monday morning, with the second last video for that day’s 9am TBL playing from the iPad in my lap.
I could have lived like that. And probably then had more time for other passions and pursuits. This AY (academic year), I simply chose not to be her. Along the way, I definitely sidelined my personal interests—which goes to show how prioritising is never easy. I’m still trying to find that balance.
It’s either hell yeah or no
On the topic of personal interests—at any one point in time, there are at least five new skills I’d like to learn. Have I gotten around to any of them? No, not yet. (Well except maybe one which I have recently reinstated efforts for.)
Around the start of Year 2, I was very inspired by a friend (Aug 13). A bunch of us were considering this academic-related opportunity. He was the first to say that he would not be taking it up. He wanted to focus on climbing (the sport) and to learn volleyball. In that moment I was like “wow”. Far too often we’re pouncing on opportunities. We tell ourselves ‘achievements’ don’t matter but end up being caught in the rat race.
(FYI this friend is one of the most capable people I know, has started and leads his own community service project, and is very hardworking and committed to everything he sets his mind to.)
This is still something I’m personally working on: I want to live “essentialism” in my life. I want to focus on what matters most—including family and relationships—and eliminate all else. Related to this is the idea that “it’s either hell yeah or no”. Such a simple idea. But why does it sometimes seem so hard to live by? I literally need to drill this into my brain or something.
Venturing past the superficial
Over the year I also tried to have deeper conversations with people. It’s always bothered me how our day-to-day conversations with friends barely skim the most superficial. Ninety-nine percent of the time, it’s what’s happening in school, or something someone heard about this or that person. While banter is nice, I don’t feel like we really know one another any better than what’s on the surface.
At the same time, I find it hard to talk about something else, out of the blue, when everyone’s just “chilling”, or want to talk about “fun” stuff. I think smaller group or one-to-one conversations really help. I’ll always remember the first time something like that happened, as we sat on the jetty against the night sky after a good long cycle (Jun 17). That set the stage for more to come, perhaps because, in a way, I opened myself up to the possibility that I could have these conversations with people, that it didn’t have to be hard. (Jul 1, 2, 4 & 15, Oct 1, Dec 22)
Dying with $0
Ever since applying for medicine, I’ve been constantly worried about money. First was severely limiting my options and never considering university abroad—I’d never want to impose such a financial burden on my parents. Then came taking up many tutees at once, even as med school life and work began in earnest.
Towards the end of 2020, when I still had multiple tuition lessons jam-packed with my classes every week, and was facing my first upcoming med school exam, I had a newfound “philosophy”:
Unless one is truly passionate about it and has tons of free time, one should never continue tutoring during med school. This is purely due to the insane amount of time it demands, which could be better devoted to learning, personal development, and enjoying uni life. In the future, when one has more earning power, one can then use significantly less time to earn back the money to pay off one’s student loans.
Coming to this realisation was instrumental to me “bettering” my life in 2021. I decided to stop accepting any new tutoring assignments, taking just one last student to his O Levels in November.
Despite this one instance of clear-headed epiphany, I evidently still had much to “let go” of. Inevitably, I’d hold myself back on spending. I’d always go for the cheapest option. I’d only eat economic rice if I had to buy food outside. It wasn’t so much these actions themselves; it was that I felt “limited”. All the while, I was perpetuating a “scarcity” mindset.
This year I read the book Grow Rich with the Power of Your Subconscious Mind (Jul 28). It really talks about quite a simple idea and is not a necessary read, but probably meant exactly for someone like me. It prodded me in the right direction in transforming my thoughts around money. Most importantly, it’s the mindset of “wealth” and “abundance”—rather than “scarcity”—that I hope to live in my life.
A few months later I stumbled upon Ali Abdaal’s “Dying with $0” (Nov 21). I couldn’t have expressed it more cogently:
[W]e should aim to have $0 in our bank account, give or take, by the time we die. More than that, and we’ve lived suboptimally. … The point of life is to accumulate fulfilling experiences. … any money that we haven’t converted into fulfilling experiences (or given away) by the time we die represents wasted life energy.
Beauty in the simplest things
At the start of the year, on the bus to our Novena campus, I’d look up and gaze out the window in awe. It was no sublime view. In fact, it was stretches of construction sites bordered by trees. But the strong golden glow of the sun was so magnificently bathing the whole scene, one could not help but feel touched (Jan 27).
Around mid-year it was the sunrises just outside my room window. In the months following, it was the absolutely breathtaking views from our library on the twentieth floor.
It’s not just nature or cityscapes either. In the later half of the year as my days grew “blander” (repeating the same routine of studying and burying myself in work all day at our Novena campus), I somehow truly enjoyed each day and every moment. At one point with the VTLs (vaccinated travel lanes) kicking in, I attempted vaguely to make some travel plans. It was then that I realised I was perfectly okay even if I’d never get to travel in these few years. Because I could really, truly, enjoy each day as it was.
January 27, 2021 · 7.04am
Such ordinary moments. But isn’t life just a series of countless ordinary moments? It is us who choose to attach meaning to them. It is us who choose them to be extraordinary.
Will I ever be burnt out?
The later part of 2021 was also the first time I became aware of burnout around me. From the start, Year 2 felt very different. The content is heavy and that’s the nature of the course. But it only seemed to get heavier. The days and weeks were really quite busy.
Yet I wasn’t very attuned to this feeling of burnout, perhaps because I was completely immersed in the learning. I’d look forward to every single TBL, just as I had since the start of Year 1. I realised quite late that it’s not an uncommon sentiment that studying has become very “sian” (boring / tiresome) and it’s “not fun anymore”.
It made me appreciate how I always revel in the process. (This is why the poem “Ithaka” resonated so deeply with me many years back.)
August 09, 2021 · 10.04pm
We always dream of the finished product, the moment of victory. But how often do we dream of the process, the repetition, every step it takes to get there? Even if there is one “moment” that feels like the “moment of triumph”, in life there is no finish line. There is no “final” destination. What if, then, we rejoice in every moment? The “work” should feel triumphant, the “work” itself should be joy and meaning — and not the “promise” of a “someday”.
I look back at my journal and there’s the same recurring theme: if I can’t enjoy every day and live fully in the moment, then there’s no point. If the grind isn’t enjoyable then stop the grind. Because when you think about it, there is absolutely no “point” to the grind. (I do enjoy it immensely. That’s why I’m still here and haven’t dropped out of med school.)
July 16, 2021 · 10.36pm
Sometimes I just hope that this is all going to be worth it. Then I ask myself what is “worth it”. Can’t we live every moment and make every minute “worth it”?
Find your “why”
I think part of it stems from the fact that I have the privilege to be doing what I truly love. (I guess what Viktor Frankl said is true—we need to find our own meaning, our own “why”.)
March 22, 2021 · 10.50pm
I recalled an impassioned argument I’d once made to a friend: If you’re Bill Gates, and through the Gates foundation, you save a million lives — that’s widespread impact, that’s phenomenal, and that’s amazing. You have the wherewithal, and of course, the heart to do all that. But let’s say, you’re my dad, an educator (many of whose students come from vastly different social and educational backgrounds than I), and through tireless mentoring and dedication, you inspire even one — just one — student, and change his life for the better — who is to say that your contribution is any “less”? Who is to say that you have made any less of a meaningful impact? How we measure “meaning” is completely arbitrary.
I think we all have our own calling, and I’m grateful to have found a significant part of mine.
What to make of this life?
So many times in 2021 I found myself either burning with inspiration, feeling utterly lost, or often both at once. I’d think “what now?” or “what next?”, followed in quick succession by “do I even have the time to think about this right now?” (too caught up with schoolwork and projects on any given day).
June 06, 2021 · 9.59am
We humans are ultimately mindless. We bind ourselves to a narrative, ascribe it “meaning”, and hurtle our entire lives through this maze, chasing one “goal” then the next.
And then I’d think I should probably shed some commitments. Because there’s so much else I’m passionate about and want to do.
October 29, 2021 · 9.49am
Is there a way to live better? To stop over-striving? Why are some “want”s more “noble” and “righteous” than others? What are we ultimately trying to achieve?
Then I’d have a full-blown existential crisis.
September 13, 2021 · 6.09pm
It just hit me again how transient our existence is—at least in this realm—perhaps about eight decades, give or take, and we’re gone. About a quarter of it has already dissipated for me. Isn’t that a scary thought? Is it? I don’t know. I don’t know much of anything now. What I’m set out to do, what I’m set out to be—I don’t know any of this. And does it even matter, anyhow? Does it truly matter, at the end of the day, when a couple of decades pass and “I” won’t even exist anymore?
I still don’t have anything figured out. Some things in this world will always be a conundrum to me. But since we are in this existence, in this realm, then let’s just take it that we’re here to experience. Why wouldn’t you want to live as freely and joyfully as possible? Let’s make it one hell of a ride.
For the record – my favourite reads this year 📖
Epilogue – note to self
Don’t forget that there were in fact so many things that happened this year. So many new experiences, “highlights” both insanely momentous and resplendently simple.
Your second 60km walk (Jan 13 & 14), your own first half-marathon (Feb 9), your first self-run taster course (Mar 7 & 14), your crazy idea to wear the same outfit for a whole month (Apr 1 to 30), your first high-stakes exam in med school (Jun 7 & 8), your first completely work-from-home internship (Jun 9 to Jul 16), your first time trying this new thing and instantly falling in love (Jun 13), your first hackathon (Jun 14 to Jul 31), your first forays into a realm previously unknown (Jul 22), your courage to try (and sometimes fail) to find new opportunities (Jul 28 & 29, Aug 3), your first video (Aug 1), “75km in more than 1 day” (Oct 15 & 19), your last tuition lesson (Nov 14), planning something special for Dad’s birthday (Nov 14), your first 10km run (Dec 27)… And so much more. The people, the experiences. Despite the often hectic schedules and unwanted sleep deprivation. Don’t forget how wild and beautiful this year has been.